Bereavement

There is an appointed time for everything, and there is a time for every event. Whatever our beliefs may or may not be as to a specific "appointed time," each of us knows the inherent truth of the well-known Bible verse. " death comes to us and to everyone we love" Mere knowledge of this inevitability does not lessen our suffering.

Poet Maya Angelou wrote, "I answer the heroic question, 'Death, where is thy sting?' with 'It is here in my heart and mind and memories´"—a reflection that death takes from us the physical presence of people who are precious, with effects that often bring piercing pain and indescribable depression.

Although the walk through the valley of the shadow of death is the toughest part of life for the human spirit to endure, most of us move beyond the shadows and once again enjoy the sunlight. Let us gather insight into some of the feelings and experiences you may have in your walk through this valley of shadows, and let us offer hope that sorrow will not be your constant companion for the rest of your years.

On Words and Their Meaning
Loss causes pain. Losses may be both actual and symbolic. Actual loss is the death of a person we love and the deprivation of intimacy that flowed from our relationship with him or her. We lose companionship, laughter, sharing, and hugs. Symbolic loss includes life events that are not yet and never will be: high school graduations, weddings, and births.  Pain may be experienced from both actual and symbolic loss; the latter may cause pain several years after a loved one has died.

Grief..  is our personal experience of loss.
Grief is multifaceted and can literally affect all areas of our life: spiritual, psychological, behavioral, social, and physical. In grieving, we come to terms with what has changed our life and how our life has changed. Grieving is tough, and we must work to get through it. Doing that work is painful, but absolutely essential, because grief has correctly been described as the anguish that permits hope.

All grief is not alike. When we lose someone we dearly love, and with whom we have shared a good life, deep pain results. Although it hurts tremendously, this type of pain is actually the best type to experience when someone dies because it reflects the immense role that person played in our life and the huge hole left by his or her absence. Of this, author C.S. Lewis, who lost his wife to breast cancer, said, "Always remember, the pain now is part of the joy then."

We may feel another type of pain upon the death of a loved one—the pain of opportunity now lost forever. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." Sometimes pain is not the predominant emotion. When someone we love dies after a long and painful illness, we may primarily be thankful that his or her suffering has ended, although we are in pain.

Finally, while death always entails loss, that loss does not always result in pain. Of death coming at the "right time," Julie Burchell observes that "tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile." Mourning is a public expression of our grief. It is the societal process by which we adapt to loss.

Examples of mourning include funeral and memorial services, flying flags at half-staff, temporarily closing a place of business in honour of the person who has died, and many other rituals that help us feel as if we are doing something to recognize our loss.

Bereavement..  is the period after a loss during which mourning occurs (usually a relatively brief time) and grief is experienced (often for a much longer time). More than 2 decades ago, University of Chicago psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, identified various stages that people who are dying may experience. Their families quite often experience the same emotions. The stages do not necessarily progress in the order listed. Furthermore, the dying person, and those who love him or her, may go back and forth among some or all of these stages. Knowledge of these stages may help us understand the dying person's reactions—and our own.

Denial: It is almost impossible to believe that our own or a loved one's illness will result in death. We call for a second opinion (generally a good idea) in the hope that a mistake has been made. Sometimes the denial is not of the illness but of its lethality ("maybe everybody else, but not me!").

Anger: Once past denial, anger often sets in. The anger may be specific or diffuse: anger at the doctor for making the diagnosis or not making it soon enough; anger at a spouse for "arguing so much that I just had to smoke, and now look, I have lung cancer, and it's your fault" anger for not taking better care of oneself;  anger at healthy people because "they'll see many more sunsets and spring days and Christmas Eves, and I won't" and, especially if the individual has tried to lead a "good life," anger at God for "not keeping his part of the bargain." The ill person, or his or her family, eventually may decide that anger accomplishes nothing, and the anger may fade.

Bargaining: Promises are frequently made to others, in the hope that giving voice to them guarantees their fulfillment. The promise might be to be here for a bar mitzvah, the birth of a grandchild, or the graduation of a daughter from medical school. An attempt often is made to strike a bargain with the One who has ultimate control over life and death. We tell God that "I will change my life, or give to mission work, or reach out to try and help people more." Sometimes, the bargain is for a reprieve—for life free of disease. Other times, it is a limited bargain: "Please just give me enough time to . . ."

Depression: When it becomes clear that bargaining will not change the inevitable, depression may set in. Two types of depression may be experienced. The first is over things we used to do that can no longer be accomplished: dancing, duck hunting, lifting the kids onto our shoulders, and making love. This is the pain of what used to be but will not be again. The other face of depression is over things that never will be: the missed graduations, marriages, and births. All these things will happen but without us.

Acceptance: The stage of acceptance may be reached at some point before death. Acceptance is not a happy time or a sad time. It just is.

Anticipatory grief: The family of a terminally ill person often experiences anticipatory grief. As its name implies, this is a grief reaction that occurs in anticipation of an impending loss and is the process by which family and friends come to terms with the potential loss of someone significant. Anticipatory grief has many dimensions, including anger, guilt, anxiety, irritability, sadness, feelings of loss, and a decreased ability to perform usual tasks. The most effective response to anticipatory grief is to acknowledge it openly and to talk about it. Grief is a process. Although we would wish otherwise, grief cannot be bypassed, hurried, or rushed; it must be allowed to happen. We do not go through grief and come out the other side as before the loss. Grief changes people. Four stages of grief have been identified. Nothing is absolute, because each person's grief is unique, but listed here are characteristics of the stages that many people experience. Shock and disbelief: This initial phase, which may last from a mere few seconds up to 6 weeks, is marked by numbness, disbelief, and, often, alienation from others. The loss may be intellectualized and dealt with on a "rational" level, as opposed to a "feeling" level. This is the stage many people are in at the time of the funeral.

Awareness: This next stage is an emotional and suffering phase that resides in the heart. At the same time that the chemicals (eg, adrenaline) released in response to the stress of our loved one's death are beginning to decrease, and the support of friends is lessening, the impact of the person's loss is beginning to be truly realized: the lonely bed, the lack of someone with whom to talk. The onset of this stage occurs 2-4 weeks after death, and the pain we experience continues to increase until it peaks about 3-4 months after the death. Typically, this is the longest phase. Strong emotions, such as anger, fear, and guilt, may be experienced. Individuals may experience uncontrolled bouts of weeping, as reflected in the words of someone identified only as Colette, who said: "It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window . . . or one notices a flower in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed . . . or a letter slips from a drawer . . . and everything collapses."

The full recognition of the implications of our loss can take years. Speaking metaphorically, Mark Twain wrote: "A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is essential—there was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house."

Depression: We desperately want everything to be the same as it was before the loss. This unachievable desire, simultaneously so natural and so understandable, may elicit depression at around 6 months.

Reconciliation and recovery: The final stage resides in the gut. For most of us, it is several months before we overcome the most severe emotional stress, and it takes at least a year to work through the grieving process. We must weather the "first" everything (eg, birthdays, holidays, date of the loved one's death) without the person who has died. As time passes, and as we allow ourselves to work through our grief, we begin to reconcile the loss and to engage in rebuilding our lives. The swings of emotion slow, and a scar is formed, lessening the pain. Our focus shifts from the death, and life begins anew. Reaching this stage does not mean we will never grieve again but that the grieving feelings no longer disrupt our lives or block our capacity for growth, discovery, and joy. A caution, however. After a significant loss, we are changed forever; thus, the "new normal" is not like the "old normal." It has been suggested that we should attempt to reach an accommodation with our loss, rather than an "acceptance" or an effort to "recover."

What about children and grief? ... We should be open, honest, and gentle when children lose someone they love. Do not force them to attend a funeral if they do not want to, but give each child a chance to devise meaningful family rituals to observe the death, and have the child participate in some service or observance (eg, lighting a candle). Allow each child a chance to talk at family meetings, which should be held perhaps once a week. Ask the child about guilt, which is common after a death ("I said I wanted my brother to die after he took my crayons, and he did!").

Do not be afraid to cry in front of your children. When a child dies, parents commonly are so mired in their grief that they do not or cannot reach out to their other children to support and comfort them. As tough as it is, parents must be there for surviving children.

Some factors can interfere with the resolution of grief. Try to avoid these if at all possible.

• Avoiding emotions
• Overactivity leading to exhaustion
• Use of alcohol or other drugs
• Unrealistic promises made to the deceased
• Unresolved grief from a previous loss
• Judgmental relationships
• Resentment of those who try to help

Getting Proffesional Help
Some situations are unique in their challenges and may necessitate professional help. One such situation is the death of a child. Such an event is just against the natural order of things, and it is a type of grief that we may be unable to truly work through to an accommodation. Another such situation is the murder of a loved one. Trauma such as murder complicates grief, adding a whole new dimension to our bereavement, one that we are reminded of with each news broadcast.

Disenfranchised grief occurs when we experience a loss that cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. An example would be the loss experienced by someone who was having an affair with a married person who dies. Because the usual opportunity for mourning is not available, disenfranchised grief is hard to work through and may be prolonged.

Complicated grief is delayed or incomplete adaptation to our loss. In complicated grief, there is a failure to return, over time, to pre-loss levels of functioning, or to the previous state of emotional well-being. Grief may be worse in younger people, women, and persons with limited social support, thus increasing their risk for complicated grief. Counselling from a minister, grief counsellor, family physician, or mental health professional may be required to effectively deal with complicated grief. Grief may cause significant physical symptoms and psychological distress.

Physical manifestations of grief

• Loss of appetite
• Changes in weight
• Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• Fatigue
• Chest pain
• Headache
• Palpitations
• Hair loss
• Gastrointestinal distress

Risk for health problems and death:
Grieving people are at increased risk for health problems and death. Complaints such as changes in weight, chest pain, and palpitations, while often seen in the bereaved, nevertheless should be discussed with a doctor. Chest pain that is alarming; that radiates to the neck, jaw, arm, or back; or that is sudden in onset, should prompt an immediate call to 999 for emergency medical services. Similarly, seek immediate help for chest pain or palpitations associated with shortness of breath, nausea, sweating, lightheadedness, weakness, or profound fatigue.

Psychological manifestations of grief

• Sadness
• Anxiety
• Helplessness
• Emotional swings
• Irritability
• Apathy
• Disbelief
• Impaired concentration
• Lowered self-esteem
• Hallucination that the deceased person is present (visual or auditory)
• Feelings of unreality, numbness, denial
• Searching for the deceased
• Flashbacks
• Individuals may progress and then suddenly feel worse, without an obvious trigger
• Suicidal thoughts - Thoughts of suicide occur in up to 54% of survivors and may continue up to 6 months after the death. Although it is common to have such thoughts, individuals should talk with a doctor or a mental health professional.

Depressive illness
Depressive illness, not to be confused with situational depression caused by the loved one's death, occurs in 17-27% of survivors during the first year after a death. Symptoms of depression typically begin after 1-2 months of bereavement, last for several months after the loss, and are constant.

Depressive illness is associated with prominent thoughts of suicide, profound changes in appetite or sleep, or substantial decreases in function. The help of a mental health professional is needed. Help with grief: "It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity, and security," said Anne Morrow Lindbergh. Each of us must work through our grief in our own way. We deal with losses as individuals, and ways of so dealing vary widely. We must each deal with grief at our own pace, appreciating that there will be ups and downs, and that healing takes time. You will know when you are getting better.

Helpful tips

• Allow yourself to experience the pain of grief. Having someone to share grief with may well be helpful if you are the type of person who likes to talk. You may feel comfortable in confiding feelings to a friend, family member, member of the clergy, or health professional.
• A support group may help, even though you may feel worse after first sessions. Do not stop attending.
• Read uplifting books or articles.
• Keep a diary or journal.
• Do not hesitate to talk about the person who died, and encourage others to talk of the person who died.
• You may wish to talk out loud to the person who died.
• Avoid seeking relief through alcohol, smoking, medication, or drugs.
• If you are having trouble sleeping, get up and read or, if possible, take a nap during the day to catch up on your much-needed sleep.
• Eat a balanced diet.
• Try to get into a regular daily routine.
• Begin or continue exercise.
• Employ what works for you in returning to normal routines. Anticipate problems and take preventive steps (eg, during holidays).

Get help in the following instances:

• You have continued difficulty sleeping.
• You have substantial weight gain or loss.
• You experience prolonged emotional distress (6 months).
• You are overcome by suicidal thoughts (ie, encountering them daily, and they are central to your thinking).

Time is your worst enemy and best friend. Although you cannot overpower grief, you can ride its waves until you reach the shore. Recovery is under way when you have healed well enough to reach out to others who are grieving to give them support, share your experiences, discuss your coping techniques, and give them hope.

Alternative therapies can also offer some comfort in bereavement and grief and the depression which results can sometimes benefit from trained therapists.

The listening aspect of aromatherapy can be helpful in conjunction with massage treatments and therapy using essential oils. Some oils which can be valuable either in massage or in a bath are:

• Benzoin - known for its warming, soothing and stimulating qualities and can be used to good effect for sad, lonely, depressed and anxious people
• Frankincense essential oil can have a calming effect on the emotions
• Marjoram essential oil is often used for its warming effect on the mental and emotional level and can be very comforting for people who are lonely or suffering grief. Marjoram can also be used for its sedative properties and combined with Lavender in a warm bath can help to cause drowsiness
• Neroli - known for its anti depressant, sedative qualities and one of its prime uses is in the area of emotional upsets and shock. It can also be useful for insomnia so Neroli can benefit the person in a number of ways.
• Rosewood is a very precious oil and is best kept for situations where something extra is required. It has wonderful antidepressant qualities and can be very uplifting. Rosewood can be valuable for people who are dragged down by life´s circumstances. Rosewood seems like a very spiritual oil and in common with other essential oils can lift the mind and emotions. However, rosewood seems to go just that bit further and lifts the soul.
• Vetivert is the final oil in our collection and is deeply relaxing oil and is excellent to use aftershock or a traumatic life experience. To relax in a bath with Vetivert oil is a really de-stressing experience.

Frankincense 10% Dilute Essential Oil - Boswellia Carteri (10ml)

Offered here as a diluted oil Frankincense is wonderful for mature skin complexions to help with scars, wrinkles and wounds. It can help with coughs and bronchitis and is a generally calming oil for people suffering from stress.

£5.00

Frankincense Pure Essential Oil - Boswellia Carteri (10ml)

This is a non-diluted version of the oil. Frankincense is wonderful for mature skin complexions to help with scars, wrinkles and wounds. It can help with coughs and bronchitis and is a generally calming oil for people suffering from stress.

£9.50

Marjoram Essential Oil - Origanum Marjorana (10ml)

Marjoram as we might expect can help with the digestion. It is useful for bruises and chilblains. Marjoram can also have a warming effect on the mental and emotional level and can help people suffereing from grief.

£7.50

Neroli 5% Dilute Essential Oil - Citrus Aurantium (10ml)

Neroli is antidepressant, antiseptic, antispasmodic and aphrodisiac as well as being a gentle sedative and is valuable for helping with problems of an emotional nature. It is reputed to be an aphrodisiac and helps with skin care. It can help with stomach spasms and diarrhoea.

£5.90

Rosewood Essential Oil - Aniba Roseasdora (10ml)

Rosewood has an uplifting effect and can help to calm the nerves at times of excessive strain as well as being recommended for people suffering from M.E. glandular fever or other related conditions. Useful for sensitive or mature skin conditions. Rosewood is a special oil which seems to affect the very core of our being and has aphrodisiac qualities.

£5.00

Vetivert Essential Oil - Vetiveria Zizaniodes (10ml)

Vetivert is especially good for oily skins and acne and is very suitable for men as it has a stronger aroma which is not flowery. Vetivert is deeply relaxing and wonderful for anyone going through a traumatic period in their lives.

£7.00